i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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