I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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