if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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