Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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