Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
