I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
