Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
