A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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