Ketchup is God's man juice
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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