Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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