babies were throwing up all over the place
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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