I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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