hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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