everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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