Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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