I wish my penis had an off switch
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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