a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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