so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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