you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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