I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
