ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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