the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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