i think my mom watched the whole time
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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