OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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