Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
