when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
