I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
