i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
