My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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