I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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