if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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