When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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