Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
