I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
