I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We have started to decorate penises.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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