John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
