I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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