when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
