Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
