the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Acid is not a monday night drug
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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