Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
