Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Even my vagina gasped.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
