Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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