Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
