I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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