I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
