i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
