Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize