We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
