we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
