My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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