One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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